I admit it. I haven't really been keeping track as well as I should. This weekend we were both home, broke, and my son was sick so we didn't go anywhere. We did clean, although I have to say, alot of it was grudge cleaning. You know, I can't stand looking at you, so I'm going to focus on this task I hate whilst I seeth with hatred.
We got a lot done, although it won't sound like it to anyone who's household mess doesn't completely overwhelm them. The laundry all got washed, but it's in the living room waiting to get folded and put away. He mowed the front lawn and cleaned a lot of our bedroom. I cleaned the living room, and kitchen, and the shower.
Everywhere I look, I still see piles of his shit everywhere. Knives, bags, kits, water bottles and camelbacks, boots, notebooks, more bags. Why anyone could possibly need more than 2 satchels, I don't know. I am a girl, and I'm supposed to have a closetful of shoes and purses, but that man can ACCESSORIZE. Except that they all look basically the same. What a waste of money and closet space. Maybe I should clean out a closet and JUST use it for his shit, then at least I'd have a place to throw all this crap.
Anyway, so yesterday was his Monday off. Jay is still home sick, but basically is just camping out in front of the TV. There are some dirty dishes from dinner and clean laundry... nothing too massive to do if you've got all day and nothing better to do, right? I got home, late because my ride into work during thunderstorms took an hour longer than usual, and he'd done NOTHING all day.
Oh, that's not true. He'd jacked off because later when I tried to have sex with him he couldn't perform again. Sometimes I want to just scream. I couldn't really care less if he does that, except that he does it so much he can't do anything with me! grrrrrrr.
All I could think of was that I hate being married to him. I'd like to think that will eventually change. I don't hate him, per se, but I do feel like I give and give, and I get very little in return. What did he do all day? I don't fucking get it!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
180 Days
Should apologies for bad behavior count as good behavior? I don't know. When he apologized for his behavior last night, my answer would have been no, but then this morning I saw effort to do better. I guess that as long as it's not just empty words I'll give credit for those words. I hate to admit it, but I need validation in words that he understands what is wrong, even when he's unable to change imediately.
Anyway, MUCH better morning today. Not one single outburst or moment of lost temper. He even had a cool trick to show off, something about a matchstick with foil over the striking tip. It was supposed to be sort of a mini rocket. Didn't work, but it was fun tryng. It's amazing how much better the kids act when HE'S acting right.
On the downside, as far as I could tell he didn't lift a finger to do any housework yesterday. It's not so much that I care about the housework as I start worrying what he does with his mornings when nothing good has been done. Has he gotten online somehow and been cybering? Gone to the bookstore for a bj? I don't know. I can't know everything. It's probably a blessing, but the worry is a curse. Was his attitude improved because he got his rocks off somewhere else or with someone else?
Score for today: 97
+1 apology
+1 getting up with the kids
+1 good attitude
+1 looking for fun (with the matchstick rocket)
+1 picked up cigarettes for me on his way home last night
-1 dirty dishes in the sink
-1 trash bag set by the door instead of taken out
final score: 100
Anyway, MUCH better morning today. Not one single outburst or moment of lost temper. He even had a cool trick to show off, something about a matchstick with foil over the striking tip. It was supposed to be sort of a mini rocket. Didn't work, but it was fun tryng. It's amazing how much better the kids act when HE'S acting right.
On the downside, as far as I could tell he didn't lift a finger to do any housework yesterday. It's not so much that I care about the housework as I start worrying what he does with his mornings when nothing good has been done. Has he gotten online somehow and been cybering? Gone to the bookstore for a bj? I don't know. I can't know everything. It's probably a blessing, but the worry is a curse. Was his attitude improved because he got his rocks off somewhere else or with someone else?
Score for today: 97
+1 apology
+1 getting up with the kids
+1 good attitude
+1 looking for fun (with the matchstick rocket)
+1 picked up cigarettes for me on his way home last night
-1 dirty dishes in the sink
-1 trash bag set by the door instead of taken out
final score: 100
Thursday, September 10, 2009
181 days to D day
Typical morning at my house. DH was angry with the kids. One is chewing too slowly, one is chewing to loudly. No one is paying a bit of attention to his rants except for me, and I'm looking at him like "Come on... they're kids, eating breakfast. What's the big deal?"
"FINE." he says to my son (his step-son) reacting to my look. "SMACK YOUR LIPS ALL YOU WANT TO. And YOU (turning to his daughter) EAT ALREADY!"
Jay spills a glass of water, and I swear, he almost lost it. How can you get angry when a 6 year old spills a glass of water?
He stalks off to the bedroom and lays down. This is a good thing. Just stay the hell out of the way if you can't help. As soon as he's out of the room, the atmosphere changes. It's not that I don't get frustrated with the kids, I just give them reminders rather than acting like everything they do is wrong, wrong, wrong. Everything goes pretty smoothly after that. DH joins me in the driveway to see the kids off to school, quietly sulking.
Quick history here. Today is September 10, 2009. DH and I have been married for a year and a half. I have a boy (Jay 6) and he has a girl (Nan 8). Jay's schedule is with me except for every other weekend. We have Nan 1/2 time and it's a strange schedule. We have her most mornings, every other weekend, and usually 2 nights per week. Poor kid.
July 25 I almost left DH. His internet proclivities (way beyond normal porn, which I'm not against in general) had shown themselves again. He admitted finally that he was a sex/ pornography addict and agreed to get help, which has bought him a little time with me. He's on anti-depressants (trying to find one that really works well), in weekly counselling and has gone to a few sex addicts annonymous (SAA) meetings. His attitude with the kids easily qualifies as emotionally abusive, although I don't see him being that way with me.
His current schedule is swing shift. He helps get the kids ready for school, then they don't see him again most evenings. I sometimes wait up for him. He thinks a change is coming in the next few weeks to day shift which I used to want... now I just see it as more time in purgatory.
Our financial situation is in a shambles. I'm -in theory- in charge of the money because when he handled it no one got paid. I'm not so great at it either, tbh. Especially when I'm in emotional upheaval like now.
So this morning I decided that I will make the decission of whether or not to get divorced in 6 months. March 10. 181 days.
I'm going to use a point system to track how he's doing. He started this morning with 100 pts.
-1 for anger at kids
-1 for anger at kids
-1 for anger at kids
-1 for anger at kids
+1 for removing himself from the situation
+1 for getting up to get the kids ready
-1 for unecessary anger about work
total: 97
"FINE." he says to my son (his step-son) reacting to my look. "SMACK YOUR LIPS ALL YOU WANT TO. And YOU (turning to his daughter) EAT ALREADY!"
Jay spills a glass of water, and I swear, he almost lost it. How can you get angry when a 6 year old spills a glass of water?
He stalks off to the bedroom and lays down. This is a good thing. Just stay the hell out of the way if you can't help. As soon as he's out of the room, the atmosphere changes. It's not that I don't get frustrated with the kids, I just give them reminders rather than acting like everything they do is wrong, wrong, wrong. Everything goes pretty smoothly after that. DH joins me in the driveway to see the kids off to school, quietly sulking.
Quick history here. Today is September 10, 2009. DH and I have been married for a year and a half. I have a boy (Jay 6) and he has a girl (Nan 8). Jay's schedule is with me except for every other weekend. We have Nan 1/2 time and it's a strange schedule. We have her most mornings, every other weekend, and usually 2 nights per week. Poor kid.
July 25 I almost left DH. His internet proclivities (way beyond normal porn, which I'm not against in general) had shown themselves again. He admitted finally that he was a sex/ pornography addict and agreed to get help, which has bought him a little time with me. He's on anti-depressants (trying to find one that really works well), in weekly counselling and has gone to a few sex addicts annonymous (SAA) meetings. His attitude with the kids easily qualifies as emotionally abusive, although I don't see him being that way with me.
His current schedule is swing shift. He helps get the kids ready for school, then they don't see him again most evenings. I sometimes wait up for him. He thinks a change is coming in the next few weeks to day shift which I used to want... now I just see it as more time in purgatory.
Our financial situation is in a shambles. I'm -in theory- in charge of the money because when he handled it no one got paid. I'm not so great at it either, tbh. Especially when I'm in emotional upheaval like now.
So this morning I decided that I will make the decission of whether or not to get divorced in 6 months. March 10. 181 days.
I'm going to use a point system to track how he's doing. He started this morning with 100 pts.
-1 for anger at kids
-1 for anger at kids
-1 for anger at kids
-1 for anger at kids
+1 for removing himself from the situation
+1 for getting up to get the kids ready
-1 for unecessary anger about work
total: 97
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